State of Mind

Especially when we lose someone very close to us. The reason for choosing the topic is like millions of people around the world have lost someone very special to them due to the coronavirus pandemic in recent times.

We are emotionally very weak, vulnerable, and sad. Then there are bitter thoughts, negativity, mood swings, fear of being alone, depression, etc…

Despite all that we are going through there is loads of paperwork and claims that need to be settled of our loved ones.

Our hearts are heavy and mind is upset. It seems that our world has come to a halt.

Now, what… we and the ones who we loved are no longer together. We are worlds apart from each other.

It's a new journey now and that too an unexpected one. How to move on with life? Mind is filled with memories of lost loved ones. Life seems meaningless.

Being a single parent, my world revolved around my mother, father, and my son. I had never imagined life without them. But now I have to bear the loss of my father. The pain was unbearable.

My father died due to COVID-19 in April. I shall never forgive the deadly virus for taking his life. I was very furious.

I was pretty sure that my father was strong enough to beat the virus. Our prayers and efforts would certainly help heal my father. But God had different plans this time.

We could not save my father. What was worse was that I could not even see a glimpse of his face. The whole body was wrapped up in protective clothing when it was handed to us. The body was straightaway taken to the crematorium. The second wave of pandemics was in full swing. We were lucky enough to secure a bed for my father at one of the reputed hospitals in Delhi, while many others ran from one hospital to another in search of one. It was a very pathetic and desperate situation. But God had already written his destiny.

The oxygen levels kept going down and down. We could not meet him at the hospital. There were strict protocols that everyone had to follow.

Only phone calls were allowed. One could inquire about the condition of the patient by calling at nursing station number. Phone calls were the only bit of relief. But they also seemed horrifying when his condition started deteriorating. My father's last call from the hospital pierced my heart inside out. I could not understand the single word he spoke. He was breathless. I knew he was in deep pain and there was no family member near him at his final stage of life. Maybe he had called to say his final goodbye. We felt so helpless. After struggling hard for four days in the hospital, he left us. His body could no longer fight the virus.

There was so much to say to him. I wanted to hug him, kiss him on his forehead one last time but could not do so. The whole family was shattered. I had never experienced so much pain before. My mind stopped working for a while. I could not sleep for many days. Even now I feel restless at times. There are so many questions that still haunt my mind for which I had no answers. I was in a miserable state. I kept asking God what sin he committed to deserve an end like this. My father was a simple man with a gentle heart.

I cried and cried. I had lost my father and he would never come back. I loved him very much and wanted him back. I needed him. But it was not possible. Every time I shed tears, my mother would console me and ask me to pray for the departed soul. Crying would not give him peace, she would say. No doubt, her loss was more than ours. She has lost her dear husband, her life partner. But being a mother to us, she had to be strong at this crucial hour. With patience, she performed all the last rite rituals.

This life is a journey. And one has to keep moving ahead. We have to live for the ones who are alive, our family, our children. The void in our hearts due to the loss of loved ones can never be filled. But we need to have patience. I am very grateful to God for blessing our lives with a wonderful father who loved and cared for us unconditionally. Cherish the memories. Even though he is no more, he is very much alive in our hearts. Our aim in life should be to follow his teachings. That's the best way through which we can pay him tribute. With a sincere heart, I pray for peace for the departed soul.